Can I work on myself while in relationship?
Something stuck with me after group a while ago, and it’s a question I have heard before.
Often when relationship is in crisis or partners are unhappy yet not really sure why, they think that the only way to become ‘happy’ is to leave the relationship. A departure intended to allow them to ‘find’ themselves.
This is not always feasible, nor is it always the best choice when considering the family structure and dynamics. (i.e. children, finances etc.) That being said, I do not advocate staying in any situation where there is abuse or danger of any sort.
Often a person is left feeling hopeless because they are sure that the only way for them to ’sort through their feelings’ is OUTSIDE of the situation, remedied by leaving a marriage or relationship.
Interestingly enough, the majority of the work likely has to do with the person’s ‘INSIDE’….and modifying the OUTSIDE in this way may only put off, prolong or mask the underlying issues and growth that needs to occur.
One of the things I have learned is that it is POSSIBLE to change/heal/grow/improve while still in relationship - and something to clarify is that there isn’t an ‘END’, there isn’t a ‘finish’ to the change/healing/growth we are all intended to experience. (Though the crisis or peak or intensity that one might be in right now does subside) Personal evolution is not a process that will be ‘done’ - but in taking time to explore our structures such as values, beliefs, motivators, feelings, root causes and emotions, people definitely have more certainty and clarity about who they are and when they may be responding from an old pattern or the ‘old you’ as I often refer to it.
In order to do the work while IN relationship, it takes a few things that certainly aren’t limited to the following:
1) BOUNDARIES - clean boundaries and respect for your own and your partner’s boundaries and present limitations
2) A WILLINGNESS TO BE WRONG and to be truthful about it
3) RISK - risk doing something different than you have done before if you want to get a different result. This can be really scary and is usually what prevents a step forward. The chance that something will be uncomfortable or even ‘weird’ sometimes overpowers an unknown option or possibility.
4) A DECISION TO BE OK with not knowing -even for a little while. My own past included a core belief that it was not safe to “not know” and I would worry about the future and hesitate, based on what the made up predictions and stories were about people’s reactions and results. I now own a core of comfort; I trust that not knowing everything is ok 
- and I counter it with curiosity instead of concern and worry.
5) NOT BEING ATTACHED TO THE OUTCOME - similar but slightly different than the being ok with not knowing. We can’t always control it, we can’t always predict it and we can’t always change it if we don’t like it - but if we live life attached to the outcome we miss out on NOW. And personally, I would rather let NOW be the predominant time in my life rather than what may or may not happen later on.
6) GIVE YOURSELF ‘ROOM’ while growing, learning & considering risking a new behaviour or way of thinking. Do this by only applying it to this time, instead of linking future meaning with the risked change. i.e. If you decide to interrupt an old pattern of behaviour it does NOT mean you will always have to do ‘it’ from now on.
For example:
Client OLD BEHAVIOUR: I would REACT (get angry) as a result of feeling like I had been dismissed in a conversation
Client NEW BEHAVIOUR: I chose to RESPOND by viewing the other person with 100% compassion and non-judgement around their behaviour, trusting that they are doing the best that they know how (even if it isn’t how I would choose for them to act) while taking ownership of MY STUFF causing MY REACTION & casting meaning that “I don’t count enough…etc. “
The change was possible based on the condition that it was a risk for THIS TIME ONLY. Meaning the client did not have to promise others or self that “this is how I was going to be from here on out…..” which made it ok to TRY a different pattern or response.
Having witnessed shifts in many people, ‘doing the work’ while remaining in relationship takes commitment and determination AND it is possible. This growth can enable people to contribute as gift to relationship (further discussion on gift vs. transaction for payment will come in a future post) without old expectations and needs put on the other person. The lessons we are meant to learn will resurface again and again whether we stay in relationship or move on. I say let’s learn when the opportunities present themselves!
Tags: boundaries, leaving, relationship, unhappy
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